Vulnerability as the great equalizer

I am vulnerable but fighting it. Well, that’s not exactly true anymore. I am mostly embracing vulnerability. Since my engagement to Khalfani, I am doing things I never thought I would. I am reaching out, leaning in, stepping up and facing fears head on. I am honestly doing them with less fear in me because his encouragement, lack of judgement give me strength. I tell you, the Lord knows who he places us with. I have been placed and partnered up with a man who refuses to let me sit in my notorious stubbornness. I am that Taurus bull from cradle to grave.

But, I digress. I am a woman. I can change my mind as often as I feel. But, this vulnerability thing has some benefits already. I am working hard to shed some of the behaviors I have taken from my youth and upbringing so that there is growth in my family and household. I am working hard to let go. It may not seem like a big deal, some of these steps and overtures – but to me, they are worth gold. I can literally feel the burning of fear in my gut when I am about to be brave. I just take a deep breath and do it anyway.

I am finding that vulnerability is bringing me closer to the kind of home and family life that I want. Ones I have dreamt of.

My first Mother’s Day

I approached my  first Mother’s day as to be expected… full of trepidation and anxiety. I felt somewhat fraudulent since I never gave birth to these children or anyone for that matter. I mean, they have a mother who birthed them. I just am here for the now. I am here in the flesh since their mom is not. I was so uncomfortable with the concept of celebration as it related to me, since I was still trying to figure it all out. I guess we all were.

It’s a journey for all of us. Myself, my fiancee and the children. Never mind the fact that I have been serving  the children and the household in a momma like capacity, I still had mixed feelings about it. After all, I was too young (at 35) to have had a teenager! I would have needed to get started at 19 if ya know what I mean. At the 11th hour, the children had a breakthrough. So to respect privacy of the children, I won’t go into too much detail here.

But what I will say is, the kids expressed themselves to me in their own way, and not because Dad reminded them to or anything. They wrote me the sweetest and cutest cards, hand written and drawn by their oft sticky hands. I received roses and hugs. I received real and amazing girl talk from our teenager, and we broke through that wall. It was tremendous. I am grateful for the breakthrough.

It may not have been picture perfect, but it was perfect for me. Respect was paid to their deceased mom and respect was paid to me. I could not have asked for more. I guess I am a Mom after all.

Heya! I been gone.. with good reason

Hi, Blended family masters,

It’s been a minute since I have last posted. Let’s see. I have been especially busy with so many things. My chronic illness has really taken over and kept me from doing much of anything other than resting. Then it got better, so YAY for that! Also, My partner and I are now engaged! Whooooo! I am someone’s Feyonce! lol I just love spelling it like that! We got engaged, the day before our first anniversary. So sweet it all was. I am a very lucky lady. My Khalfani is the sweetest to me, and he is the biggest supporter in my world. I simply ❤ him SO much!

Naturally, wedding planning, an anniversary, a birthday celebration ( I turned 35), Mother’s Day (my very first which was anxiety producing to say the least), and an engagement moon trip to Jamaica! My life has been very full beyond belief! Let me not forget, I started graduate school at the school of my dreams and I am on that Ivy League road. I have worked very hard to get here, and I will continue to work hard to stay here and kill being here! Three children aged 14 – 9, and being a stay at home mom, grad student, planning a wedding and living full time with the love of my life. Wow. Life is great, but I need to get back to writing. It does save from time to time when I feel like there are things I need to express. Writing has always been my salvation. I am looking to be be saved again.

Family moments for the win

I’m trying something new. I am injecting more fun into our days to days, and I don’t mean on the weekends anymore. Good news is flowing everywhere, and a win for me is a win for the kids and my partner. WE are fighting the good fight together, and we are winning together!

It is definitely a bit for me to get used to, this sharing thing. Sharing my plans, news, processes and steps with others isn’t something I regularly do, least of all with children. But I have been thinking about it – if I want the children to model my work ethic and traits for personal success, then I might need to let some of my moves be seen. When the kids see me getting dressed to go out and interview for jobs, or me working on my laptop at the same time they are working on homework, it mens something. It also means something when my degree is hanging up in the family office space. It also means something when I can take the kids with me to my new school for a day and they end up meeting the President of my college. It is also freakin’ fabulous when the Dean and Vice Provost has met the children too, and she is a Black woman. It means a lot when they see me and Daddy working hard on our individual dreams I mean, it really means a lot.

I want the children to be the best at whatever it is that they aspire to work toward. So setting the example isn’t that hard. I just naturally do me, and they should copy. Heck, the girls want to copy my style and I am sure to model what is appropriate for a young lady and a grown woman. This should be no different. My win is their win.

You’re never alone

My partner’s best friend and his wife are coming up on a year of marriage and blended family-hood. Recently, my partner and I were at their home and ended up sharing more than I expected. What I realized is, none of us is perfect. None of us have the answer to it all. We are all just going through this thing called life and taking it one day at a time.

In this safe and supportive space, we shared our parenting ideals and expectations. We shared our challenges and wins. It felt great, like a balloon letting some air escape. Some of that pressure escaped too. I think we needed that. Sometimes you live in a vacuum and get caught up in that alone. I really benefitted from hearing from another young couple, and another step mom being thrown into all this newness. I know this can be a challenge, but I am sure grateful to have found folks to share with. I suddenly felt less alone and that things would be alright.

Do you have a family or friends that you can turn to?

Life has been so busy lately

So, first off lemme say a huge mea culpa. I have not updated my baby blog in thirteen days to be direct. That was not part of my agenda, but ya know, life happens. Life is happening. Boy, oh boy, it is. I recently got accepted to my top choice in graduate school – Teachers College at Columbia University. Can we just have a moment of reflection for the dopeness that is that? Like, Woah.

That happened, and also all of the prep stuff that goes along with that. Days on end of all the follow up that goes with receiving news like that. Do I attend? How will it be paid for? Sending follow up emails upon follow up emails. Oh yes, then there are the job interviews, the admitted students day, and hoopla surrounding that. Let’s see, it’s also a BUSY time in our household. The kids have state exams for school, my partner and I are gearing up on the business front, it is generally a time full of many goings on. Last but not least, I have been fighting against my chronic illness and all that accompanies that.

But I do enjoy this outlet, so expect to see things go back to regular. Real soon.

My social media shoutout

Wow. That all fun weekend that I mentioned to you in my last post, it must have been a success. My 14 year old daughter was loading up the dishwasher and twirling, singing, dancing, ya know… the norm. Well, in that time somehow, she rather stealthily updated her Facebook to something like this: ‘feeling giddy, and (she shared a satire text blog) I wish my PARENTS would text me like this. with – (me & her father). HOLD UP a minute… did baby girl just put me on blast on social media as her parent??? Did she just also equate that with having fun and being silly? Did she just share a second of non teen angst with the world?

Oh. My. Stars. For Realz.

Mama K for the win! My partner and I looked at each other and didn’t make a big deal out of it. We acted like we didn’t even see it. But deep down inside, I was doing the nae nae.

Time out, time in

Time out. It’s not a thing we do in our household, but I have been thinking of creative ways of managing and modifying the children’s behavior. There’s the no dessert route, the five minutes before bed to catch a show on Netflix route, and the no weekend playdate route. What I have been doing, along with my partner, is rewarding the children on an individual basis when they do as we expect them to. Rewards, I’m learning are quick ways to get the kids to try harder and push harder. I find they don’t do what we want them to just because – it’s never that simple.

They have to copy behavior and actions that create routine, and structure. I don’t know about your kids, but our kids LOVE to eat! I do not know where the food goes. Where do the groceries disappear to? I can whip up a smoothie or guacamole in an instant, and I know there are foods they just behave better with. Like, seriously if there are certain dishes that I make, they will eat, sing, be merry and do all of their chores with no protest. To circumvent this recently, I hatched a plan and told no one.

My plan was simple: do all the fun things this weekend, very little ‘hard line’ discipline, and laying down the intentions, expectations from early… sit back and watch. Wow! Did the kids respond. Homework completed early, chores done without me hassling them, and general merriment was had by all. Family movie night still took place, and there was home made vegan pizza, lots of healthy and fun foods. I wasn’t going to let their possible bad behavior sink the entire weekend ship… after all, I would like some peace and quiet too. So, I just observed and man oh man… they surely were good. Of course they were not perfect, but still I moved the needle a bit. They were cooperative and for that I will institute fun weekends more often.

Managing all of the children

With three children, aged 14, 11, and 9 – our home is not short of many moods. Most of the time, the children behave as they want to, not as we want to, but we are making progress. Our youngest, K is a sweetheart most of the time. He behaves, follows instructions and does well in school. The problem is that his older sisters are more often than not requiring most of our time and energy. And it is not due to stellar behaviour. K will often lose out due to his sisters behaviors. My partner and I want to change this, so we are silo-ing him so to speak, so he gets rewarded for doing well, and he does not lose out because of his siblings. So, K get to spend some weekend time at his friends’ house, and his sisters will not.

I think we have found a way to manage the behaviour and keep everyone adequately rewarded or punished. Otherwise, what incentive is there for him to continue to do well? Not much if you ask me, and I want him to continue to do well. I want them all to do well. Juggling three children is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Any advice?

Don’t worry about a ting’

That ditty from the ever famous reggae song follows me this week. Worry is useless these days, as I will do the best that is in me, and I will have to be ok with that. Furthermore, worry is a pain in the ass. See, I am doing my very best that I can. I am also coming into my own sense of clarity that I cannot ‘fix’ the children, as I did not birth them. What I can do, is impart my good judgement upon them, and set the tone from the moment that I have entered their lives. Anything before is none of my real business and not actually my fault.

If the children turn out how they are meant to turn out with only taking 25% of my influence, then that is what it will be. If they take 5% then that is what it is too. My job, (that I am comfortable with) is to keep them clean, fed, clothed, cared for and loved. To keep them safe, and to keep them engaged. To expose them to new things, keep them learning, and trying to develop them into people that are healthy citizens and individuals. Now that sounds like a tall order, doesn’t it? Well, here’s why it is not – because that is simply what I would do for the children that I give birth to.

What I have realized that I cannot do, is undo their deep psychological issues or traumas or neuroses that I did not cause. I cannot undo the years of what the loss of their mom did to them. I cannot catch them up to speed developmentally overnight. I can only do my best with what I have and the tools I know work best to rear a child. I would take on the world weeks ago, and lose LOTS of sleep. But I know now, that the children are not exactly fully moldable anymore. They are at ages where they can talk back, refuse advice and guidance and show large amounts of insubordination. That is not my fault. Nor do I have to charge ahead feet first, plummeting into the abyss of guilt over everything.

I’m new to the game, and I will always be new to the game, even 5 or 10 years from now. I will do my best, and I will do my best, and that will be damn near good enough. Everything will be alright, and life will move on. Everything will be alright. I have not had them since birth, and I have not been able to influence and rear them in the Kat way. However, that is alright, I am here now. I will do what I can do, and send them on their way in a few years. College, anyone???

I’ll be the ‘stepmom’ type of bonus mom, but with a heart.